It’s Your Rays Week Funbag, That includes An Electronic mail From A Ray



Time to your weekly version of the Defector Funbag. Obtained one thing in your thoughts? Electronic mail the Funbag. And purchase Drew’s ebook, The Evening The Lights Went Out, whilst you’re at it. At the moment, we’re speaking about steroids, Toni Collette, ready on maintain, meals that suck to cook dinner, and extra.

Your letters:

Ray (not Ratto):

The opposite day I used to be driving the Metro into work and there was an elementary/center faculty aged child along with his dad a pair seats away from me. The entire sudden the child simply begins puking on the ground. Because it’s not one of many automobiles with the carpet, it simply dribbles and slides throughout the ground. Fortunately, I used to be far sufficient away to not be within the Splash Zone. The dad simply lets his child barf till they get off on the subsequent cease. It was nasty and a foul begin to the morning, however acquired me pondering: are there worse bodily capabilities, or issues on the whole, to witness on the Metro? Like puking could be worse than urinating/defecting imo. That is disregarding murders (a la Bernie Goetz) or violent crime. 

I can consider worse issues. Like if a busker hopped into my automotive and began singing Billy Joel songs as loud as potential. This by no means occurs on the D.C. Metro, which is policed like a navy jail, nevertheless it occurs on loads of different municipal transit programs. I’d a lot relatively watch a child unload a quart of used oatmeal onto the ground than endure that. Provided that I’ve three children of my very own, watching different individuals barf/piss/poop/drool has zero impact on me now. I’ve been within the jungle. I’ve had shit on my fingers, piss on my laundry, and my kids’s spit-up inside my very own mouth (not on objective). I’ve additionally shit in a hospital mattress. Many instances! Seen all of it, finished all of it. None of your bodily fluids scare me, not even in a pandemic. One time I noticed a man taking a shit in a park. I simply saved strolling. Didn’t give it some thought for one more second. You gotta do what you gotta do.

If something, it now brings me secret pleasure to look at new dad and mom cope with their very own barf hydrant kids in public. It is because I don’t have to fret about that taking place to me anymore, as a result of my children are previous that stage of improvement. I additionally by no means have to put in a fucking automotive seat once more, and there’s no extra profitable feeling than that. But additionally, seeing new dad and mom battle out within the wild brings again fond reminiscences. I’ll by no means father or mother a younger youngster once more—till my children power my spouse and me to offer free day care as soon as they’ve children of their very own—so the one manner I can relive these instances is by watching some poor mother on an airplane wrestle a shrieking 3-year-old into their seat whereas everybody stares. I’m glad I don’t have to try this anymore, however I’m surprisingly glad that I acquired to do it after I needed to.

Sean:

Let’s say there was an Olympics for clear athletes and a separate Olympics for ones who overtly acknowledged they have been doped up, which one would you be extra prone to watch?

I do know precisely what I’d do. I’d begin off watching the Natural Olympics and be all happy with myself for eschewing the All-Drug Video games. Then I’d get bored watching the clear athletes run the 100-meter sprint in 5 minutes and do gymnastics ground workouts that encompass nothing however somersaults. Then I’d flip over to the steroid video games the remainder of the way in which. Because of rising up with doping scandals, I’ve developed right into a peculiar ethical creature. I don’t care about performance-enhancing medicine, I simply don’t wanna find out about them. [Mike Francesa voice] I simply don’t need it in my face, you recognize what I imply? That manner, I can nonetheless trick myself into believing that I actually might do all the cool shit I’m watching these athletes do. That is senseless on any stage, however little or no about sports activities fandom is sensible anyway.

All I do know is that I performed soccer for 10 years and was shockingly remoted from steroid use that complete time. I by no means noticed a teammate do ‘roids. Granted, I performed at Colby Faculty, which isn’t precisely minting NFL gamers yearly. However you don’t need to be a professional expertise to need steroids or to do them. But my largest dilemma as a school soccer participant was whether or not or to not take creatine, and I didn’t even have the (withered) balls to try this. Creatine was authorized, however I used to be nonetheless like, “It should have steroids hidden within it, after which I gained’t be capable of make infants!” If somebody had provided me steroids (they by no means did; no starter was gonna provide a part of his stash to a third-stringer who couldn’t run a sub-5.5 40), I in all probability would freaked out and known as the FBI or one thing. That’s simply what number of after-school specials and alarmist Sports activities Illustrated articles I consumed again then. I didn’t need any a part of steroids, and I’m nonetheless privately scandalized every time I discover out a well-known particular person is on them. Sylvester Stallone does steroids? However he seems so pure and vigorous!

So I nonetheless wanna have my cake and eat it, too. I wanna watch athletes do insane shit however labor beneath the confirmed delusion that none of it’s soiled. That’s why I’d patronize the Natural Olympics earlier than realizing what a prudish dipshit I’ve been all these years. Nonetheless kinda curious what HGH would do for me, to be sincere. Perhaps that’d assist get off these 15 kilos I’ve been making an attempt to lose for thus lengthy.

Matt:

I used to be lately holding for an agent on the telephone for about three hours with an airline whereas making an attempt to rebook a flight, and it acquired me pondering… how a lot of your life do you assume you might have spent on maintain or ready to be helped on the telephone? 

In all probability a few days, however no more than that. I used to be too impatient to remain on maintain after I was youthful, until I used to be calling a telephone intercourse hotline. And lately, I can simply use dwell chat help now after I need assistance with something, or I’ll luck right into a enterprise that gives to name you again as soon as they’ve an agent prepared. I nonetheless by no means e mail my drawback to an organization, as a result of I do know they simply throw that e mail proper into the trash, however at the very least I now have a number of viable alternate options to ready on maintain like a chump.

My 30s and really early 40s represented the one time the place I wanted customer support badly sufficient that I used to be keen to attend on maintain for it. Calling was my solely recourse again then. I hung out on maintain with airways, banks, and, in fact, well being insurers. All of it sucked, and I used to be the precise proper age to indulge within the sunken price fallacy of being on maintain, the place the longer you wait, the extra decided you might be to STAY on maintain till a dwell particular person solutions the telephone. Then the music cuts off and also you assume somebody is about to get on the road, then you definitely get an automatic message saying DID YOU KNOW YOU COULD VISIT OUR WEBSITE?, then you definitely wait one other hour, then you definitely get somebody within the flawed division, then they put you on maintain to switch you to the proper division, after which the decision drops out. I endured all of that shit.

However I’m wilier in my center age, and I do know my choices. Additionally, I’m going to the airport. I’ve wasted my life in some ways: consuming, watching shitty soccer video games, boning your mother, and so on. However I’ve gotten significantly better at not being caught on maintain for 1,000,000 years. I’m free. Think about what I can do with all this additional time!

[goes right to playing another round of Yahtzee on my phone]

Paul:

If Radiohead actually has damaged up, then who turns into the de facto “largest band in rock”? For anybody beneath the age of fifty (and above the age of 25 since nobody beneath 25 listens to rock anymore) Radiohead has mainly been THE largest band on the earth since about 1998 when OK Laptop took over the world. So, now with rock on the wane, if Radiohead is really finished, who can be the subsequent largest band? Frankly I’ve zero good contenders.

Nor I. The names that come to thoughts are previous guys like Metallica or bands like Coldplay that hardly qualify as “rock” anymore, in the event that they ever did. That leaves, like, Nickelback. In different phrases, there’s no inheritor obvious to Radiohead within the offing and certain by no means will likely be. They have been the final band, which isn’t enjoyable to ponder till you do not forget that there are artists on the market like Phoebe Bridgers and Mitski who aren’t afraid to rock out when the event fits them. That’ll need to be adequate.

And it’s. I accepted, way back, that rock has been lowered to a distinct segment style. I used to freak out about it—WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE LIKE WHAT I LIKE?—till I spotted that I can nonetheless discover loads of nice rock on the market, like The Amazons, if I care to look. And after I do discover these bands, I can normally see them at smaller venues at worth. I don’t have to leap by means of hoops to pay $120 to look at Bob Mould play Nationals Park. I can simply go see him anytime he performs the 9:30 Membership. And I gained’t want binoculars to see him on the stage or something. It’s fucking nice. I can deal.

By the way in which, don’t rely out rock making a comeback someday sooner or later. I’m not sitting on my entrance stoop, ready for it to tug as much as the curb. But when mother denims can come again, there’s no motive why rock bands can’t. My daughter simply found Wilco and was HAPPY about it. You by no means know, man.

Ben:

May you go a complete week with out swearing or cursing? Not simply talking, however writing as properly, so yelling at Barry in Slack as a result of he needed you to vary two phrases is forbidden. The week of non-cursing/swearing would happen when there are not any main occasions on the NFL calendar as a result of if it was through the season, you’d lose your shit two minutes into the Vikings recreation. You’ll be monitored 24/7, in case you efficiently accomplished the week you get $300,000. May you do it?

Only a week? Sure. I do know you don’t consider me, as a result of I’ve constructed my complete profession on profanity. Not solely do I swear on a regular basis, however I’m REALLY good at it. I’m skilled vulgarian with the resume to show it. You’ll not out-curse me. Many have tried. Save for AJ Daulerio, all have failed. However I can nonetheless placed on a choirboy face after I have to, particularly if there’s $300,000 in it for me. I didn’t swear round my children for YEARS. Took some restraint at first. I’d catch myself going FU— after which audible to FREAKIN’ on the final second, like I used to be assembly the Pope for the primary time. However then I acquired used to it and settled into being Clear Drew round my children, till all of them found stand-up comedy and I might drop the façade.

However I nonetheless have that software in my field. Additionally, I don’t swear in all places I’m going in life. Once I purchase groceries, I don’t ask the stocking clerk, “Say man, are you able to inform me the place the fuckin’ cake mixes are?” I preserve my interactions clear and even. So retaining it up for per week can be nothing, even when on-line counted. I work for a web site in SFGate that bleeps out all of my fucks anyway, and I don’t hand around in Defector Slack anyplace as a lot as I used to, as a result of I used to be rising manner too depending on it for all of my private interactions. Now I’m getting irritated that Ben didn’t make this provide for actual in order that I might snatch up all of his cash. I really feel $300,000 poorer. Unfair.

The excellent news for me is that, since Ben saved that provide hypothetical, I don’t need to work clear for anybody proper now. SHIT PISS CUM MOTHERFUCK. Hell sure to all that.

HALFTIME!

Ryan:

Has “Bobby Bonilla Day” turn out to be one of many hackiest sports activities days on-line now? Bret Saberhagen has a reasonably terrible Mets deal too. Is there an equally unhealthy or extra hacky sports activities day on-line than Bobby Bonilla Day?

Day-after-day on-line is a hacky sports activities day however sure, the Bobby Bonilla Day discourse acquired previous simply as shortly as April Idiot’s Day on-line did. That is very true after I did some cursory analysis and came upon that, money-wise, the deal was basically a wash for Bonilla in the long term. So now each Bobby Bonilla Day passes and my solely response is deep annoyance that I don’t additionally obtain $1.2 million a yr yearly. You know the way fucking tight that may be? I’d by no means be like OH BOO HOO I WISH I’D GOTTEN IT ALL UP FRONT SO I WOULDN’T BE AT THE MERCY OF INFLATION. I’d simply be elated. The examine would come within the mail and I’d be like, “Oh proper! I get one other $1.2 million! Let’s go lease a mansion on the seaside in Dubrovnik for a month.” My troubles would disappear for good, and so would I. The entire issues on this world are brought on by the truth that wealthy individuals have none of them.

This yr, I get the ultimate installment of my advance cash, which is not going to be $1.2 million, when The Evening The Lights Went Out comes out in paperback within the fall. That’s as shut as I get to the Bobby Bonilla Day feeling. 4 years in the past I died. Now I’ll get to open the mail someday in October and get cash for a ebook I completed writing two years in the past. I’ll nap like a god on that day. The Supreme Court docket gained’t be capable of overturn it.

Geno:

What’s probably the most scrumptious factor to eat whereas being absolutely the worst to cook dinner/put together?

Something fried. Frying meals BLOWS. You’ve gotten use 17 totally different dishes. It’s important to dredge issues a number of instances over. Boiling oil spatters throughout you, such as you simply tried to breach Helm’s Deep. And also you’re left with a goddamn mess of dishes. I do know a few of you swear by deep fryers and air fryers, however I’m advantageous to depart all the frying duties to my neighborhood Popeye’s, thanks very a lot.

I additionally refuse to make a recipe that mandates any of the next:

  • Frying
  • In depth kneading
  • Dealing with sticky dough
  • In depth rolling
  • Straining something by means of a cheesecloth
  • Double boilers
  • Making patterns utilizing frosting and/or fondant

That is why I by no means watch baking competitions. It’s additionally why I’ll by no means make my very own bread once more. I’m more than pleased to depart that to the professionals. I made pasta this previous weekend, which can also be a ache within the ass, however I’ve a hand-cranked pasta machine to handle the rolling half, so I don’t thoughts it a lot. I get to really feel like a craftsman churning out sheets of eggy noodles, after which I get to eat these noodles. Huge win for Drewbear. Each different concerned type of cooking can suck my dick. 

Tom:

Each different tv present or film my spouse has watched lately stars Toni Collette. We’re watching The Staircase in the mean time. Previously yr we’ve streamed Velvet Buzzsaw, Knives Out and Hereditary and she or he has popped up randomly in varied different issues we’ve got watched. Every time I say, “Hey, it’s that girl from Muriel’s Marriage ceremony.” Contemplating I noticed that film within the theater in 1994 and have by no means rewatched it, and that her filmography is longer than my arm, at what level do I simply say “Toni Collette” or at the very least “Hey, it’s that girl from The Staircase“?

For those who haven’t by now, you by no means will. Fortunately for me, I by no means noticed Muriel’s Marriage ceremony (my spouse hated it), so Toni Collette has at all times been a reputation model actress for me and never a That Woman actress. Let’s get her an Oscar already, dammit.

That mentioned, I nonetheless completely outline actors, actresses, politicians, and full faculties solely by shit they did after I was in my youth. Colorado remains to be Kordell Stewart to me. Vin Diesel remains to be Carparzo from Saving Personal Ryan (he’s so good in it). Kaley Cuoco remains to be the lady from that one John Ritter present. It’s exhausting to shake first impressions. Christ, I appeared like a Head & Shoulders advert simply there.

Joshua:

For those who have been to be a referee (or umpire, linesman, and so on.) in any skilled league, which sport would you select and why? 

Oh, a chair ump in tennis. No hesitation. You get to actually look down on gamers whereas they cattily plead their case to you and deduct factors once they smash a racket. You get to shush the gang once they’re consuming strawberries and cream too loudly. You get to tastefully intone “JUICE” when a recreation hits Deuce. You don’t need to run. You don’t even need to stand up. All of that sounds terrific. You in all probability get a free Rolex along with your event charge. It’s like lifeguarding, however with extra to do. You even get an umbrella!

You would possibly’ve thought I’d decide being a house plate ump in baseball in order that I might yell STEE!!!! on the high of my lungs, and in order that I might eject, on a whim, gamers and managers who displease me. The total Enrico Pallazzo. However I’ve seen what umps need to put on each recreation. The masks. The charcoal slacks. The saddlebags containing additional baseballs. You assume I wanna put on all that shit for 4 hours a day in August? THEY DON’T EVEN GIVE YOU AN UMBRELLA. Fuck that.

By the way in which, as a lot as I complain about NFL refs, you higher consider I like to make these hand indicators whereas watching any recreation. I mimed throwing a penalty flag as soon as whereas watching a SOCCER recreation. Wasn’t even being ironic after I did it. Simply pure intuition kicking in.

Matt:

The primary few seasons of Stranger Issues have typically strayed away from killing many of the fundamental characters. I’m emailing to get your predictions now: which of the principle characters dies in Season 5? Hopper needs to be like +100 at worst, I’d additionally put El and Steve pretty excessive up there, in all probability +200. The remainder of the youngsters and Joyce would have a lot worse odds of dying. What do you assume?

Earlier than I reply this, lemme simply go forward and throw in a SPOILER WARNING for anybody who hasn’t watched Season 4 but. It’s additionally essential to do not forget that Stranger Issues is the one factor Netflix has going for it in the mean time, which is why they’re about to blow it out into like 50 totally different spin-off reveals and graphic novels and Broadway musicals. So even when they kill off a fundamental character in Season 5, there’s an excellent probability that loss of life finally ends up being an affordable fakeout. They already killed Hopper and Eleven and introduced each of them again, so I’ve no religion that any lifeless fundamental character within the STCU will stay lifeless.

With that out of the way in which, let’s play oddsmaker:

  • Max 1/2 (until you don’t rely her as a fundamental character as a result of she solely appeared in later seasons. These latecomers are the characters who normally find yourself lifeless)
  • Will 2/1
  • Hopper 2/1
  • Jonathan 3/1
  • Robin 3/1 (similar caveat as Max)
  • Dr. Owens 3/1
  • Nancy 5/1
  • Steve 6/1
  • Mrs. Wheeler 6/1
  • Murray 10/1 (additionally will get the Max caveat)
  • Eleven 25/1
  • Mike 30/1
  • Lucas 50/1
  • Joyce 50/1
  • Erica 100/1
  • Mr. Wheeler 200/1
  • Dustin 500/1

Is Mr. Wheeler my favourite character on that present? You higher consider he’s. Clueless and mildly agitated to the bitter finish. This man GETS fatherhood innately. He’s my hero.

By the way in which, I assumed there was an excellent probability that Dustin was gonna die within the finale, particularly when he went again into the Upside Down to assist a doomed Eddie. I’m relieved that by no means occurred. You kill off Dustin and America will take to the streets.

Bryan:

Has anybody created a ‘House Runs adjusted for juiced ball stage’ stat? I feel if the MLB used that stat then they may have an excuse to vote within the steroid period hitters: Bonds, and so on.

I despatched Bryan’s concepts over to Defector intern Kathryn Xu, as a result of she’s extra certified to reply it than I’m. Her reply:

“It’s a enjoyable query, however I don’t assume I can do a lot with it. Plus stats (OPS+, and so on.) and WAR all account for total league setting, which incorporates if the ball is juiced/deadened and the steroid period, although I’d think about it’s barely much less excellent with steroids as a result of not everybody was juiced as much as the gills. Foremost factor is, even adjusting for the period, you possibly can’t know what number of homers Bonds would’ve hit in 2001 if he hadn’t used steroids (until you had, like, Statcast and a shit-ton of biomechanical knowledge again then) as a result of he did use them. You’ll be able to solely evaluate his efficiency to the remainder of the league that yr. His was, uh, fairly good. So the steroid period hitters debate will in all probability proceed till the warmth loss of life of the universe! Joyous days, and so on. and so on.”

Seems math can’t resolve each drawback, which I discover disappointing.

Talking of being unable to show a unfavourable…

Sean:

For those who have been in your youth within the time of relationship apps, how do you assume Younger Drew would have fared? Would he have had any cool strains/ profile?

My greatest buddy didn’t get married till he was in his 40s, so I used to be at all times jealous he acquired to make use of Tinder whereas I needed to spend all of my pre-marriage years asking ladies on analog dates and sending them mixtapes like a whole dipshit. You’ll be able to’t bat worse than .000, so I at all times figured I’d have fared higher again then if I had had a digital recreation to complement my floor recreation.

In fact, this line of magical pondering assumes that Teenage Me would have been in a position to shut the deal upon assembly a woman face-to-face. It additionally assumes that On-line Teenage Me wouldn’t have sounded precisely like each Barstool dipshit you’ve ever met. Each assumptions are misplaced. I nonetheless would have fucked all the pieces up. Additionally, I didn’t smoke weed with Snoop Dogg till I used to be in my 30s, which implies I couldn’t have used this as my profile pic.

NOTE: I’m the one on the left

Would’ve at the very least gotten a foot within the door with this picture. After that, standard catastrophe.

Chris:

I’ve been watching the Lakers present on HBO and was truly fairly impressed with a few of the basketball scenes. Is basketball the one sport that it’s potential to make look sensible on movie? Soccer, boxing, and baseball are all notoriously horrible.

I really feel the identical about unhealthy sports activities mechanics in films as I do about unhealthy accents in films: I don’t give a shit. I do know that’s an actor on the display screen and never Lamar Jackson. I don’t anticipate him to play prefer it. I droop my disbelief. Guys who complain about poor type on the silver display screen are simply making an attempt to bolster their jock cred. Who offers a fuck if Cuba Gooding’s jab isn’t nearly as good as Roy Jones’s? I’m positive he did his greatest, however there’s solely a lot you are able to do in case you’re NOT Roy Jones. For those who wanna see sports activities depicted precisely, simply watch actual sports activities. Now lemme inform you why I discover the present state of particular results in films at this time so bothersome…

Electronic mail of the week!

Evan:

Why are saxophones so rattling jammin’? Nobody goes wild for a trombone solo. Trumpet solos are cool and all. However a sax moving into is irresistible. Inform me why.

Since you by no means see it coming. That’s why.